For you
by Shiku
Summary: Till death do we part. Till death do we part, till death do we change, till death are we twins? Twins. Twins. Twins. We knew that world well, and as a result we were interchangeable. Identical. Equivalent. The same. -HikaKao Story. Quite abusive.-
1. Chapter 1

Waaaahhh... I'm so sad that Kaoru is getting hurt in this...

**Warning: **Future abuse will probably get even more brutal... so uh... It's just a warning.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Hikaru OR Kaoru. I wish I did.

**For you**

**Chapter 1: Take the hit**

* * *

"Hika—" I stop knowing the act, the happiness, everything that once existed in our room along with the outside is gone. "How was school today? I saw you spacing out during class today." It probably was to figure out what type of game we were going to play today.

"Move." Hikaru said walking in front of me. I obey, as I should, I know that you love me, and in return for that love all I have to do is obey. It is something I can do. It is something I take joy in doing.

Or should I say I once did.

I know that now it's just not the same. I also know that the only reason why I believe what I believe is that I know you.

Or so I think.

I always knew you. I knew your every move and every word, without hearing you or watching you I knew you. I knew your emotions before you showed them. I knew everything.

Now it's different.

A hand slaps me away, "I said move."

There is no protesting saying, "But I did!" Even if I did I know you need an excuse to do what you are about to do. The truth isn't a good enough excuse; I can give you one even if I know it isn't true. No one slowly kills a person because they don't move.

Is that what you have been doing? Slowly killing me? The thought never occurred to me before. I know that you love me. That's why you would never kill me. Or is it because you love me that you kill me?

Maybe it was that time long ago when we said…

_Till death do we part. _

Maybe that was what it was. Maybe.

Till death do we part, till death do we change, till death are we twins? I wanted to be everything like you. It was a wish, a simple wish for us. We were twins. We still are, but only by birth.

Maybe it was the three minutes that cursed us. Because I remember that day on exactly 3:00 pm you struck me. You cut me. You hurt me.

_Slap. _

_Kick._

"_I hate you." _

_Another slap._

_Another kick._

"_I despise you." _

I took the hits. I took the kicks. But what I could not take was the hate. I couldn't take it; maybe that's what started to unravel me.

Maybe.

The next day was what hurt the most, the whole night was filled with hits and kicks and hate. The bruises, the cuts, the gashes all set me apart from you.

I cannot be set apart from you

_Till death do we part._

Till death do we part, till death do we change, till death are we twins?

Twins. Twins. Twins. We knew that world well, and as a result we were interchangeable. Identical. Equivalent.

The same.

I wanted to tell the truth. They were our friends, the host club. Where our brotherly love act still existed.

Above our friends I loved you more.

"I was having a bad day yesterday, between cutting vegetables, falling down the stairs, running into walls."

We were having a beach cosplay that day.

"I don't think I should go around in only swimming shorts, my stomach kind of hurts, I think I might get a cold if I get cold."

You went on with out me. Even if the brotherly love act couldn't exist without me. You went on.

"Just leave him, if he doesn't want a cold there's no need to push him."

The host club looked in awe, they had expected the words, "Okay then, I'll stay with Kaoru today."

Or.

"I'll take him home then I guess, I don't feel so well either."

Either way, we always said something that could keep us together.

Later that day a girl spilled drinks on me.

"_Kao-chan! I'm so sorry!"_

_You come over, I expected a cold response, but instead you came down and licked the drink off my lips. "Kaoru. Are you okay?" _

Is that what people mean by manipulation. After all manipulation is what hurts most. How can you even continue to act? The faked passion, the faked concern. Doesn't it make you feel like screaming just listening to it? Let alone saying it.

It was all fake.

The shower turns off, I never heard you go in. But I guess you're done.

You stare at me; there is no love there. There is nothing.

Where has all the love in this world gone?

Where has all the love in **our** world gone?

I see your fist come into my stomach first and I stay silent. I refuse to cry out. You're not hurting me. You wouldn't.

Because I know the love in our world hasn't gone.

Another hit to my side, I know you love me

A kick, I know you do.

Teardrops, from me, why are they falling? There is nothing to be sad about. You still love me.

I know you do.

And that's all that matters, and will ever matter.

I keep silent even as the pain runs through me, and soon there aren't only hits. There are cuts. I know tomorrow what my leg will say, and that I will once again make excuses to protect you.

Protect you from what?

My love will always protect you.

Soon I've reached my limit, I've had enough. So have you. But you keep going.

Is that how much you hate me?

Or is that how much you love me?

It keeps going, but I will not cry.

Because Hikaru, for you…

I will take the hit.

* * *

Wahhh! Why is Kaoru doing this to himself?

Just for everyone to know, this story makes me so sad to write. Yet I'm bipolar enough to write it. Especially since I love Kaoru the most. I think maybe that's why he's the one who gets abused... I don't know.

-Shiku


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: This is fairly abusive, but it's not even reaching the extent of it. And. There is implied so I don't want to taint your mind if you don't want to be tainted.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru or Kaoru or any of the Host Club.**

* * *

**For you**

**Chapter 2: Pretend**

I woke up in the morning feeling sore all over, when had I fallen asleep? I feel the beating from yesterday in full now and my heart is still beating fast. From fear? No I wouldn't fear you; you're the one that protects me from the fear. I look at the empty half of the bed next to me. And in my heart I know I'm crying. Even when I try to make excuses, "He must have something to do." "Maybe he thought I left already." "Maybe today is just one of those days."

Maybe. But not every day can be **one **of those days. And the same excuses don't exactly work over and over again. I'm tired of making up excuses, when will I be able to stop?

_Till death do we part._

Is that it? Till death?

I look at my leg, the part of my body that hurts the most and I find the sheets slightly wet and caked with blood. I look at it and see the words that hurt the most.

_I hate you._

And you didn't even say it to me; you carved it into me. And it isn't just my leg. It's my heart Hikaru, I wonder if you even know what that is anymore. It's my heart, the heart that also loves you despite what you do to me. A heart that will forgive you forever. A heart that is willing to hurt myself to protect you.

A heart that thinks that you have done nothing wrong. The heart that wins over the mind. A heart that washes the pain away. A heart that is yours.

I get up and I bite my lip to keep from screaming and soon I taste the rusty taste of blood. I walk over to the drawer where you keep your knife. I know it well, on the bad days you take it out to cut, to carve, to mark… me. And lately that seems like everyday. I take a deep breath and then bite my lip again, I know I will scream if I don't. I run the knife down and down again on my leg crossing out the words you carved there. If anyone sees it there is no way out with just an excuse Hikaru.

Even if I know what you really mean. I know you love me so much that you need to push me away so I won't get hurt. Hikaru, it's okay, I can get hurt. Pushing me away is what hurts the most.

Finally when I'm done, I force myself to smile back to me in the mirror of the bathroom. I know that I'm doing this for you Hikaru, and knowing that makes everything okay.

I walk downstairs and thank the heavens that Mom is on another business trip. How to do I explain to her all the bruises and all the cuts? How do I explain to her my loving eyes and yet your cold response? How do I explain to her that I know you love me so much despite that you're doing this to me?

How do I?

How do you still love me despite the monster I am?

That night while we were sitting on our beds talking like any other day. And like any other day, we were the interchangeable. Equivalent. The same.

Suddenly you slap me and tell me you hate me. You hate me so much. You wish the 3 minutes were 3 million years. You wish that I was dead. You wish so hard that we weren't what we were. Interchangeable. Equivalent. The same.

I stare you in the eye and I know that you mean what you say. So I smile back at you because I know I will be the one smiling for both of us from now on. Because Hikaru, I know that you changed. It should have been our warning sign.

But then you threw me up against the wall. Fists slamming into me with every breath you took. Eventually my body broke Hikaru. Something broke there, it couldn't sustain it. But what was more important was that my mind broke, it no longer remembered to think that you loved me. But my heart still remained. Maybe that was the only thing that kept us together.

"Stop smiling. Cry Kaoru, that's what I want you to do. Cry and tell me that you hate me."

I couldn't. Nothing would allow it. I wouldn't allow it. **Ever.** Hikaru, what is there to hate when you love me so much. It's not fair to ask for your love and yet I give you my hate. No. I will give you what is only fair to give. In return for your love I will give you mine.

So instead of answering you, I stopped instead. You knew I was awake still so you pummeled me, fist after fist. What I didn't expect was when you stripped me of everything. You threw me on the bed then you threw away what was meant for you. My innocence. My virgin heart. My everything.

I know you didn't mean it. I knew you didn't know when you rammed into me each time. When you stole what was mine to give. When you stole my present to you before it had been given.

That night I didn't remember any pleasure, I remembered pain Hikaru. As you chewed me then spat me out again. For once in my life, I close to hated you. But I knew I wouldn't. I knew I shouldn't. I knew that if I broke down I knew our world. The world that I loved; would fall down with me.

The physical pain overwhelmed me. But even more than that, the mental and emotional pain was unbearable. I felt unwanted as you ignored me the day after that.

Unwanted.

Used.

And alone.

I never felt alone. I knew that you were always with me, always by my side. So where were you now?

I gasped as I was able to drag myself onto the car before telling our driver to drive me to school. I feel full; I couldn't swallow my breakfast today. I told it to stay, but it wouldn't.

I walked into our classroom and as the faces turned to see me I could hear the whispers. "Why didn't he come with Hikaru?" "Why is he alone?" I sat down in my seat, which was towards the back of the room. I knew the answers, I knew it was because of me. Hikaru stayed with me long enough despite my imperfections. I had even more imperfections now.

Before my appearance was perfect. It mirrored the image I loved so much. My fingers running across his perfect pale skin as he smiled at me and pulled me into an embrace. My eyes staring into his, both of ours reflecting the love that still existed then. The love that was the same. I'm sorry Hikaru that I can't love you enough.

Through the whole day I was staring at you. Staring as your lips moved whenever a question was asked and when you tapped your fingers on the desk with perfect rhythm to my heart.

I smile as I walk into the room and everyone looks at me, Tamaki, Kyouya, Haruhi, Hunny and Mori. "Welcome to the Host Club." The echo sounds.

When I walk in, there should be the normal awws and "Hey you're not a girl." But there isn't. Lately, when I've been using the same excuses day after day. "I fell of the stairs." "I ran into the wall." "I tripped on the concrete." I try to have variety. But after using excuses same after day I start to forget.

_"What happened to your face Kaoru?"_

_"Oh… I ran into the wall this morning. I was kind of out of it."_

_…_

_"Kaoru. You said that yesterday."_

_"Yeah, it's the same bruise from yesterday."_

_"Yeah. I know it's still there, but there are new ones."_

_"Oh. Well, I fell down the stairs today."_

_"… Kaoru, are you sure there isn't something wrong? Is it your dad? Your mom? Yourself?"_

No one would ever guess you Hikaru, everyone can see the love that is still there. I know it's there. And that is why you do this to me. There are different forms of love, and I know that this is the strongest love, despite the fact that no one else thinks so.

"Hikaru is already with some costumers." Kyouya says, his usual not caring gaze filled with concern.

I force a smile, "Thanks I'll go find him."

_A couple months later. We had the same conversation._

_"What happened to your face Kaoru?"_

_"Oh… I ran into the wall this morning. I was kind of out of it."_

_…_

_"Kaoru. You said that yesterday."_

_"Yeah, it's the same bruise from yesterday."_

_"Yeah. I know it's still there, but there are new ones."_

_"Oh. Well, I fell down the stairs today."_

_"… Kaoru, is it Hikaru?"_

_"…No it isn't."_

_"… If you want to talk about it, you can tell us."_

_"Okay. But as I said, it's nothing."_

_"…Okay."_

I wince as I put pressure on the cut leg just a little bit too much. Haruhi walks over, "Kaoru are you okay?" With out my consent she pulls up my pants leg and sees the large gash. She stares at me, but I know she doesn't trust me for an explanation. I feel the need to explain anyway.

"I tripped today."

"Okay."

I roll the pants leg back down before anyone else can catch a glimpse of it. I force myself to smile again when I walk into the room with our customers. I immediately sit on the couch next to Hikaru. He smiles at me, but he has eyes full of nothing. He and the customers are talking and I'm just nodding. I guess I'm nodding at all the right places, because no one asks me anything.

That keeps going on until the silence fills and I know that I am supposed to say something. So I blush and do what I do best, act. "H-Hikaru… You promised not to tell."

I must have said something right because the girls all squeal and Hikaru leans closer to me. He stares at me again with those eyes full of nothing. He kisses me and I return it. It makes the girls squeal all over again, but both him and I know that it was a kiss full of nothing.

Is that what our world is now? Full of nothing?

Perhaps. But maybe just maybe we can fill it again.

That is why, Hikaru… for you

I will pretend.

* * *

Now I'm all depressed because I abused Kaoru again for another chapter. That makes me sad...

Oh. I MUST SHAMELESSLY ADVERTISE. Please join S H I N E! The link is on my profile. It'll make Shiku very happy if you do.

-Shiku


End file.
